I’m a man. Only ever dated, been attracted to women. Recently I met this guy and I’m having weird feelings. I can’t quite tell if I’m attracted to him as a person or just like the way he treats me; nonetheless something makes me want to treat him differently than any other guys - the way I would a girl I suppose. My friends say I might be attracted to femininity in general regardless of gender and that’s why I feel this way, and the reason why it hasn’t surfaced until now is because I haven’t yet met a guy to tick those boxes. Wondering if anyone has been through something similar.
Always remember that sexuality is not “I was born this way” sexuality changes throughout everyone’s life. Just like ones gender.
It’s a spectrum of many things and many ways from no sexual feelings to all sexual feelings towards any or no genders.
There is no binary there is no definite answer. It’s whatever you feel. And that’s completely ok.
Just to expand, having a fixed sexuality that is unchangeable is an expression of “homonormativity”, which is to say it is queer identity that tries to coexist within the heteronormative default without challenging it.
It is easy to box oneself into a sexuality archetype like “gay” or “bi” or “ace” because they provide convenient labels that can be used to more easily understand/relate to others, and it helps to be able to organize and rally under a defined identity, but it fails to acknowledge that not everyone can perfectly fit the same mold, nor are they inherently going to follow the same path throughout life.
Semi-relevant side story: over Thanksgiving, I went to visit my folks, and walked in on them watching some cable TV channel which was airing an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond about (fittingly enough for my visit) a misunderstanding that Ray’s brother might be gay. And so there were some deeply uncomfortable canned laugh tracks at gay stereotype jokes that made my skin crawl before the two brothers confirmed their mutual heterosexuality, to great relief of both, but there was one line that stuck with me as having something of a grain of truth (paraphrasing): “Maybe I could be gay and I just haven’t met the right guy yet”.
Obviously if you’re a man who is into women 99% of the time but one day end up genuinely attracted to a guy, it doesnt make you “gay” (bi, maybe) but I’d argue that no one is inherently “gay”, nor can one be perfectly “straight”. Heteronormativity instills that concept of essentialism in order to perpetuate the “us vs them” binary of sexuality, and so essentialist identities are as much a trap as they are a convenience. People are better off thinking less “What am I” and more “Who am I attracted to”, and accepting that can change over time.
I’m a 44 year old (mostly) straight guy who’s at a point where I don’t really know why any of that stuff really matters to people.
I was a teenager in Britain in the '90s when it was ridiculously common to refer to something bad as “gay”. So I grew up not homophobic as such, but having definitely equated being gay with negative connotations. But some 15 years ago I started to question my own attitudes, and, helped by a woman I was seeing at the time, I explored the idea of playing gay. I didn’t actually do anything, but she thought the idea was as hot as hell.
Fast forward to now, where I’m married to a different woman who also thinks that guys fucking is hot, and so do I. So it’s something that’s become an occasional part of our sex life, and it’s great.
Now, I’m not necessarily answering your question, because sex ≠ emotions. To me sex and emotions aren’t really linked. One is something to be enjoyed, and the other is something to be shared with an intimate partner. But the point is, if you’re a naturally open-minded person then your baseline for who and what you are will be constantly subject to change.
Are you straight? Are you gay? Are you bi? Are you any of these things? Does it really matter?
As to your point about being attracted to femininity: I definitely get that. Regardless of how someone identifies, if they’re feminine I’ve got a soft spot for them.
You’ve summed up my feelings pretty accurately.
I’ve never thought “I’d like to be in a romantic relationship with a man.” But my wife has hinted that she’d love to watch me suck a dick, and I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.
It doesn’t have to “mean” anything. It’s just people having fun.
Exactly that. There’s sex as an intimate act between loving partners, then there’s sex as recreation. The two things aren’t necessarily the same. It’s why swinging is so popular.
Who cares? If you like him, and he likes you, go have some fun. If you like it with him, do it again with him. If you like it in general, do it again with other guys as well.
If you don’t like it, don’t do it again, wt least until the next time you feel curious
Don’t let weirdo’s dictate.thst you can’t have fun with being curious, don’t feel the need to label everything
Btw, questioning things is usually a healthy thing to do. And sexually or attraction is complex. For some people it’s also (or more) about personality and less about body features. Or it’s multiple factors. You can be attracted to more than one gender. It’s a wide bandwidth. And there’s a lot of different things out there. You do you.
I think anybody who says they haven’t questioned their sexuality is likely to be lying. Then again, we’re all biased by our lived experiences and I’ve spent a lot of time questioning things, so I could be projecting.
At the end of the day I want to say to like who you like. What happens between consenting adults is nobody’s business but theirs, and the sun isn’t going to implode because you dig on a girly dude.
Hell, you don’t even need to put a label on your sexuality. Or your gender for that matter, although that’s a whole different can of worms.
Depending on where you are, you might be growing up alongside harmful anti-queer rhetoric. That kind of thing makes it very difficult for a lot of people to admit their sexuality with any degree of nuance. People living in fear will lie to their friends, family, and selves in order to hide their attractions. It’s sad and harmful, and it also makes it difficult for some people to be open about sometimes liking a person that is outside what they believe society expects of them.
You guys should get coffee or something. I wouldn’t pass up on a chance to learn more about myself
Yes. And it sucked. And it still sucks.
Within the last few year, I’ve finally realized I’ve been asexual my whole life. I’ve had sex before, but I struggled to care about it or enjoy it. It was always inconvenient, messy, went on too long, etc. I had enjoyed spending time with my partners, but I hated sex, and that’s been a huge part of all my relationships.
And, yes, I’ve had “good sex” before. Just like someone who hates pie can have the best pie ever, it’s still pie!
I’ve sworn off relationships until I can figure it out, but god knows that every romantic relationship will require sex to let my partner know that I care about them and their needs. I’m sick of compromising. Why the fuck should I need to compromise on something that I don’t want or like? Plus, because I’m not into it, I’m sure my partner would want someone who puts in enthusiastic effort to the endeavor.
Don’t tell me that I’ll find someone. It’s not comforting, and I’m still grappling with the reality of it. I’d like a partner, but it’s just not feasible for someone like me.
I’m still mad that I’m like this.
Without wanting to sound ignorant, wouldn’t finding another ace person help here? Since both would be coming into the relationship with the same set of “goals” and the same mindset
The problem is that ace people are so incredibly rare that you’re not going to just stumble upon them in the wild. I have similar frustrations as the person you’re responding to. I can never really have that kind of deep relationship with someone because I’m not compatible with 99.99% of people on the planet.
There are dating websites that are asexual focused, but that doesn’t mean they are densely populated. I go back to these now and then and it’s rather frustrating how few people exist on these websites. I have yet to match with someone who will respond to me, is in my desired age range (not 10+ years older or younger), and is within a day’s driving distance from me.
I know tons of ace people but from a specific fandom. My wife (who is ace) is super into the show Our Flag Means Death. I liked it to, but I’m not a super fan like they are. We’ve met people at conventions into the show and many are ace. The show features a ton of LGBTQ characters. So maybe finding queer media and people into that media is a good way for you to find other asexual folks.
Just jump on ace Tinder. They show you photos and no one swipes.
That’d be great, if A). ace folks weren’t VERY far and VERY few between, and B). “I’m an ace who actively sex.” Because apparently that’s a thing with 0 differentiation, which makes everything 100000% more frustrating.
I just wanna let you know that it’s possible, out there. I have an asexual wife, and we don’t do any sex, but we’re sickeningly heavy on the romance.
Those types of people are out there!
went on too long
Well you’ve certainly never been with me then!
Ok, now that the shit talking is out of the way, I really hope you do find exactly who you’re looking for.
Lol I’ve been with all kinds. Long or short, it’s just not an act I’m into. But I remember a time when it went on for what seemed like a near unbearably long time, but the guy seemed very proud of himself, so I didn’t want to rain on his parade. Felt like mental torture just waiting for it to be over.
Are you kidding? Drunk guys take forever!
Have you considered a poly relationship? If your partner(s) get sexually satisfied elsewhere, it may not be an issue
I have. Tried to do the poly thing a few times, but the folks involved were far too emotionally messy for a serious relationship.
That would probably be the way I’d want to go, but, personally, I’ve seen very very very very few poly relationships with a good dynamic between partners, remained chill, and were emotionally healthy.
god knows that every romantic relationship will require sex to let my partner know that I care about them and their needs
That’s not true. And it’s extra not true if you let your partner satisfy their sexual needs with other people.
I actually have tried it before and gave up after a few separate times.
I’m super super super open to poly relationships, but it seems like most folks who are also looking for/in poly stuff are not emotionally mature enough to make it work properly.
The pool is barely a puddle with all the requirements to make my particular situation work out. I’m just working to kind of accept my fate, at this point.
Same thing happened to me.
We connected more emotionally than normal friends.
Guy was interested but I let him know that before we did anything physical I might not be ok and it wasn’t anything to do with him. Did not want to hurt his feelings.
We eventually had a rom com ass first date. Ending in kissing. For me it just felt the same as girls. Always been indifferent sexually but like you said feminine men check boxes.
Enjoy! It was a formative time for me as a person that made me realize your life can change when the right circumstances come along. No longer with them but glad for the time period.
Yeah this makes sense to me. I’ve got queer friends who are in a hetero marriage with one another.
Binary gender is such bullshit. Nobody is attracted to every man or every woman. It’s totally normal to be attracted to people who fall into both buckets if that’s your only way of categorizing people. Because that’s not how attraction or sexuality work. It’s so much richer and more nuanced than that.
Adults fuck whatever they want.
“Sexual identity” is for children who need to get out more.
Adults fuck whatever they want.
There’s limits
I picture an old man with a really scraggly beard laying on a couch with a beer in one hand, cigarette in the other saying this lol
Is this that new camera hack where the led turns off? Jk I don’t smoke.
Adults can fuck whatever they want with consent
I’d hope people would just assume statements like that imply consensually lol.
And in the current era specific age limits are set.
Sexual identity is simply a descriptor of the type of adults you generally go for. It is a quick way to explain to another person what you are into. It’s not really necessary to explicitly label, but it can be helpful.
It’s not prescriptive, it’s descriptive.
It’s taking a step back and looking at your self critically, like an art piece. Who am I? How might others see me? How might I communicate myself to others? Am I living authentically to me? OP is noticing new details that is making them reconsider their own ego. That’s all normal human connection and philosophy. Thinking isn’t childish, lol.
That’s not exactly true. Being able to talk about sexual identity using specific terms is highly useful for people who are in relatively unsafe communities.
Won’t somebody please think of the children. Lol.
Yes I’ve seen Jason Mamoa.
I tend to find myself attracted to kind, not aggressive men. I don’t think of them as feminine men. They can be quite masculine and still kind and not aggressive.
I was a feminine man, now I’m a trans woman. I still mostly find women attractive, because men tend to be socialized to be aggressive and I don’t like aggressive energy.
One of these kind, non-aggressive men, the first man I was ever attracted to, is still a dear friend of mine and dating a trans woman himself now. I believe our deep love for each other is something that helped us both to accept ourselves. Even though we’ve never been romantically involved with each other.
I think gayness is a spectrum. Likewise, I think emotions are not back and white. So you could have some feelings for this guy, you could be confused, and if this was ancient Greece you probably would have slept with him by now, but whether you see him as a partner or a little brother you want to protect is a conscious choice you can make.
Its like a math question. You need to show your working, even if you guess the right answer, or you don’t get full marks for it.
In the teenage boy caught in the hyper masculine world of American highschool? Yes.
In the actualized adult trying to understand myself and the world? Also yes.
I think that in reality, every human can relate to this post. Straight, gay, bi, asexual. You meet a person that makes you go “what the fuck is happening?”.
My opinion is that it doesn’t really mean (or necessarily equate) that you want to have sex with the person. For myself, I consider myself to be heterosexual although I wish I was bisexual. I do however consider myself to be biromantic, and could very well see myself in a relationship with someone of the same gender. The difference is that when I’ve envisioned or been close to trying the sex part, I get actually physically nautious. Not to say “gays make me sick” but, uh 😂😂 Me personally having gay sex makes me sick.
