I have an idea for a post, some may have seen a comment of mine earlier. I’m looking for the most offensive-to-coffee-snobs approach to making coffee possible. I’m assuming something to do with instant, but from there, I don’t have many ideas.
Someone suggested reconstituting it in milk, that seems fun, any other ideas? I’m fully expecting the end result to be absolutely disgusting, for what it’s worth. I’m looking for the worst abomination possible, but it still needs to technically be coffee. Get creative, have fun with this. Whichever technique gets chosen (or multiple get combined), I’ll credit in the post I make.
I just slurp spilled coffee out of the entrance rug at Starbucks
All of this is so unhinged that its just gonna come off as rage bait. I feel that, if you really wanna piss off a coffee snob, you’d be better off just really earnestly enjoying some extremely pedestrian coffee. Maybe Instant; Maybe one of those blueberry flavored drip brewed coffees from, like 7/11 or Wawa (make sure its not fresh); or maybe one of those bottled Dunks iced coffees; or maybe just insist you like prefer Monster and crack a 1 liter reclosable Monster can.
Like, as a coffee enjoyer, I find myself most frequently disappointed by Keurig coffee, for whatever thats worth.
- eat 1/3 of a cup of grounds
- wash it down with maalox
- wait 15 minutes
- fill cup and serve
my theory was those machines just reused grounds over and over.
it’s hot, it’s brown.
I have fond memories of getting absolutely mournful coffee here
Heat milk in microwave.
Add a half teaspoon of instant coffee.
Enthusiastically call it a latte.Suggestion 2: Reuse the coffee in a filter/coffee pod/espresso filter. It’s disgusting, weak, and technically coffee.
Good beans are important. Single origin farm. Light roast, not too old, ideally local roaster.
Next, open the bag and let it sit. There are all sorts of volatiles in those beans. Sounds scary.
A month later, crush them with a hammer and boil in a pot for 5 minutes.
Optionally sieve into a cup. Add banana flavouring. Serve luke-warm.Light roast
I might be murdered for trying that.
Just add water to yesterday’s coffee grounds. Second brew is a free brew.
Drink water instead. But in a coffee cup, buy swear that this is the latest style of coffee drinking that if you believe hard enough, it is coffee.
Eat handfuls of instant coffee with your bare, unwashed hands
And wash it down with boiling water straight from the kettle.
I got spit I’m good
Grounds in paper filter, dunk in water, then suck on it like it’s a used teabag. Bonus points if you have a cup of water nearby to re-moisten the grounds every so often.
I think the worst and most offensive coffee I ever drank was out of a vending machine which also served soup through the same nozzle.
To steal someone else’s reaction:
Nightmare fuel.
pour grounds directly into hot water (boil it, who even gives a fuck, but don’t you dare put a thermometer in there), pour through a fine mesh strainer, tell yourself the grit builds grit.
You don’t even have to strain it out. Just accept your gritty coffee
Too many steps. Skip the filter part - coffee grounds in mug, hot water on top. Up to you if you want to let the grounds settle at the bottom or have it extra chunky.
Skip the heat altogether. Eat it like sand. Drink cold water. Your metabolism will make the coffee
Just tell them you add fish sauce to your coffee for the umami factor and that, really, they should try
The one I experienced in France long ago. We had been driving through the night and were in desperate need for coffee, so we stopped at a small rest stop. Ordered coffees for all of us.
They had a large, battered metal pot on the stove, and used a soup ladle to pour the coffee into the mugs. Complete with coffee grounds. Nobody knows how long this stuff was simmering there. It could have been days. Or weeks. Or since B.C.
I like my coffee strong, but that stuff was vile.
Just Folgers pre-ground. No matter what you do it’s coming out like it filtered through grampa’s coffin.
That’s true.
