i am turning 20 this year and i have never felt so much mental anguish and fear in my life before. I have researched it and apparently the early 20s is harsh because of the combination of figuring out your life way more independently than ever before and internal challenges (onset of schizophrenia, personality disorders etc.) I have never hated people more than I do now and I’m scaring myself sometimes.
Who has survived this period pelase tell me what to do I’m Scared
After seeing some of your posts and regularly following you; do you take any medications?
I’m not asking that to be a dick, I have a friend who is exactly like you and they were deeply struggling for a while. They got some care and ended up getting diagnosed with some shit and is on some meds now. I don’t know the details of his condition but he’s a lot more stable, less stressed/anxious, etc. I don’t mean anti-psychs either you could just need some good anti-anxieties.
Personally, I deal with my stress/anxiety with a lot of marijuana. I had to cut down, I was doing about 2-3g of high THC concentrate a day. Specifically, I am a big fan of growing the craziest marijuana I can; I experiment too both with pressing shit and growing it. I found out that weed plants like a bit of coca cola in their flowering stage; they go nuts for the sugar it seems. Kinda draws ants but I actually have been experimenting with that too! See, you can crop tiny bits of your buds and it will regrow a bit larger. I’ve noticed that the ants will tear down pieces of my plant and over time the plant will regrow whatever is lost; growing back even bigger. I’ve wondered now if I could have an army of ants tearing apart the buds right before flowering to split them off into more.
Point is, you gotta find something to sink yourself into. I’m a landscaper, groundskeeper and overall nature-loving kind of person. I like experimenting and playing with plants, food and herbs. Coming home from a big, shitty day and seeing my big green stinky (oh kermie) makes me incredibly happy and proud of my work. Nothing else matters.
Hate is a powerful motivator for me. Hate is what made me arm myself, train and learn some basic wound treatment skills. Hate is what makes me build ammunition that is nearly impossible to remove and requires extensive surgery; or the same kind that fragments into a treated epoxy that is nearly unable to be seen on x-ray. Hate is what makes me take advantage of many a show; seeing a Ukraine pin or some other bullshit where I can get a solid right-hook in out of the crowd and blend right in (great practice if ya know what im talking about). Hate is what drives you to make lists. You know what they say, how do you stop a jet-fighter as a Guerilla? You kill their wife.
A lot of people have the love for humanity, the love for the working class and the love for a lot of things that guide them. I lost a lot of that a long time ago. I have so much hatred in me because I have seen what capitalism has done to some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. I’ve seen what it has done to my family and the things I love. I sure do have a lot hate. It’s because of love that I hate. Ironic isn’t it?
Use it for something, friend.