What if it were like quicksand, but diarrhea.

You could completely submerge the bike. I suspect this would act as a strong deterrent to thieves.

I guess a simple pool of regular diarrhea would do just as well, not sure where I got the quicksand part.

Look buddy, I’m not here to feed into your sick-o internet scat bike sexual fantasies. Well, I am, but not for free.