At least they’re taking credit for something that actually happened this time, I guess.

“If these devices were, as previously believed, implements in some sort of ancient ‘throwing game’, I can only assume this to be the result of a misguided attempt to play the sport on horseback or, heaven forbid, to teach the horse to play the game itself. Truly, our ancestors were a primitive people.”

Horseshoes would probably be pretty confusing, actually. Figuring out sans context that this weird metal crescent was supposed to be nailed onto an animal’s hoof would be a feat on its own, but add on people hanging them up as decoration out of superstition or just, like, throwing them, especially in places where there aren’t any damn horses, that’s really gonna muddy the waters.

My vote’s for either vacuum cleaner attachments or old batteries. I barely know the appropriate uses and contexts for all these vacuum cleaner attachments, some future guy with presumably no foreknowledge of our culture or lifestyle doesn’t stand a chance. And if we’re far enough in the future that no record of our way of life remains, I don’t care how much they keep going and going, those Energizers are gonna be dead, and these archaeologists are gonna all be scratching their heads trying to figure out why we have so many random metal cylinders in all different sizes that are, at best, completely inert, and at worst leaking caustic sludge.

This has happened enough times that the euphemism for piracy in my household has become “renting a film from my man in Bangladesh”

Bingo. That is literally how the people (term used loosely) currently dismantling government DEI programs have been spinning it — “These programs divided Americans by race […] and resulted in shameful discrimination” — the fault is more in the assumption that this is something unique to DEI programs, and not that any program could be doomed from the start so long as a sufficiently-motivated demagogue is willing to lie through his teeth to see it dismantled. Or that the ones opposed to such a program need to be lied to in the first place. They could probably just say “we’re ending DEI 'cause fuck 'em” and get near-identical results.

Yeah, it’s called taking out the competition. If you wanna win a race you gotta know where to throw the banana peels.

Counteroffer: We’ll take Nunavut in exchange for Texas, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida.

One, you’ll have us nearly surrounded; two, they’re far enough away that you don’t have to risk any of the pre-existing populace actually coming into your country, and three, you get a whole stretch of oceanfront property, and we don’t have to let them muck up our electoral college anymore. And all we want in exchange is a nigh-uninhabitable stretch of ice and bragging rights that we’re indisputably bigger than China, which is for some reason the only thing the incoming administration cares about anyway. If that’s not enough we’re willing to throw in a couple of the Virgin Islands.

Lisan al Haribo!