God's hairiest twink

Not a torrent but maybe something like Kotatsu (https://f-droid.org/packages/org.koitharu.kotatsu) can help you find it

Crazy how I can’t even get the spam bots interested in me.

Preferably with a vice

Lol my dumbass thought you meant glueing the strings to your fingers to force you to play

The rice in general might be too exotic for them

As someone in a similar situation I’d recommend using a free tier oracle vps with a wireguard tunnel to connect to you services. Effectively just using the vps as a proxy for your own network. Here’s a guide that should work for your purposes https://github.com/mochman/Bypass_CGNAT

It looks like its just a different DNS server that allows them to resolve their own special TLDs

I guess you could argue that total eradication of anyone that Israel hates will bring peace so they were sorta right