I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

That will surely bring down the price of eggs.

Seriously, do not do this. People die every year from stupid shit like this. And then your family’s last memory of you is your naked, lifeless body with a fucking belt around your neck.

Find some other way to get your rocks off.

Man… anthropologists are gonna be pondering this one for millennia