I used to have a lot of emotions, too. They kind of just turned off while I was in college. I can’t pinpoint when specifically, I just noticed they were gone eventually. Now, it’s years between periods when I cry. I cried in 2013 when I lost a friend. I cried in 2020 when I lost my grandma. I cried in 2024 when I lost my step grandma. These are all just sudden, too. I felt fine, then without warning in the middle of a sentence, it would just kind of burst out for a minute or so. I cried last year when I lost my grandpa (he was my last remaining grandparent). But that was actually quite brief, and I feel pretty good about that now. He called it quits on his own terms, and we all got to say goodbye. He went in his sleep, with his kids there. I really don’t think anyone could ask for a better way to go.
The most recent time was this February. My 3 year old needed dental crowns. And they were putting her under for it. And the thought of my perfect, precious baby having to go through that just broke me. More than anything I can remember in recent history. Worse than any death. I got off the phone with the anesthesiologist office, all was good, and when I went to relay the info to my wife I just had an explosion of feelings. My poor baby. Was she going to be scared? We couldn’t be in the room with her when they put her under. Was she going to be in pain when she woke up? I wish I could keep her from feeling anything bad forever. Will she be OK? She is so small for anesthesia. I just wanted to hold her and hold her and protect her from everything.
Honestly, it was kind of nice to confirm that I do, in fact, have empathy. I mean, there are things that don’t directly affect me that I have moral feelings about. I donate to things that aren’t applicable to me. But to actually have emotional feelings about things? No, typically not. When I see a homeless person, it doesn’t really make me sad or anything. Someone I knew in high school gets cancer and dies leaving 3 young kids behind? I will briefly think about that being a shame, but it will be out of my mind shortly. I love my wife and daughter as much as I can possibly love another human being. But I still think they love more. I just know my maximum capability of love is probably much lower than them. Like, I feel as if I am missing out on a fundamental part of being human. Almost as if I am Data from Next Gen, and my emotion chip just turns on randomly for a few minutes every couple of years. It is through a lot of conscious effort that I think I’m able to mask it. Like, display this action of affection in this instance. Display happiness here.
I don’t think it’s autism, I used to feel “normal”. Clinical depression, perhaps? Idk, I’m not going to self-diagnose anything. I am very good at picking up on emotions and reading people. And I’m not a fucking Patrick Bateman.
Oh, yeah. For sure. They’re both snooty, but it’s diametrically opposed snootiness. Screw them both.