It’s good that you seem to understand this problem is about her and not you. This sort of behavior is usually driven by some form of mental illness. She may not be able to change her behavior. Whatever the cause, it is not you.

You are experiencing a form of psychological abuse. Protect yourself as best you can. Even when you know, on an intellectual level, that she is being abusive, it’s hard not to react to it emotionally. Find some people who can understand the problem, whether they are family, friends, or counselors. It helps to have outside perspectives and it definitely helps not to feel like you’re alone in dealing with it. You may find it beneficial to get counseling for yourself.

I wish you all the best.

My mom is the same way. I’ve actually spelled it out for her multiple times with multiple examples.

“When you do this, it affects these people in this way.”

And all I got was “Why are you so mean to me? It’s not MY fault they took it personally!”

I haven’t cut her out completely, but I don’t reach out to her unless I ABSOLUTELY have to.

I feel for you. It took me 40 years to learn how toxic she is, and it’s not easy to watch someone who you thought was there for you become the biggest villain in your life.

Some people are like that, unfortunately. It’s never their fault, never their turn to grow and change. Most people expect their parents to be ultimate protectors and the ones to encourage their children’s flourishing, but many are often unwilling or unable to change as their children change.

Sounds like you’ve tried setting boundaries, and she just ignores them. The best thing to do might be going limited- or no-contact to protect yourself. Sucks that that’s the case, but part of having healthy relationships is meeting somebody halfway, and if she can’t do that, then you should feel justified changing the nature of that relationship.